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| Close up of recent silk abstract painting |
Lots going on inside and out. In teaching a silk panting
class with a new format this session, my intention was to bring more of my
whole self to play. My personal interest in doing larger, abstract silk
paintings, led to teaching it, planning a sort of creative “free-for-all” of experimentation.
The surprising result was more relaxation—I was doing it to please myself, and
therefore was more centered. And more experimentation and expression by the students
resulted too. Teaching is such a teacher for me, paradox though that may seem,
and a bringer of joy.
A last piece moving its way through my layers of self is the
happiness controversy. My art work is flow and focus, the natural world is a
joy almost all the time, and friends, growth, exploration give me great
happiness. It feels like life is handing me beauty each day, with a forceful
“Here! Take it! This is for you!” And then there are people in my life that are
afraid of happiness. Life is hard, don’t let the god see you smiling too much,
gotta be serious, there’s danger here! I had a sad, weepy mother and remember
deciding I could only bond with her and love her by being sad too. So this
mindset is entrenched.
Is it wrong to be happy when others are sad? Is it betrayal,
foolish, unloving? I went digging deep and found some gold in there. I
unearthed deal-making: here’s some happiness for me and some commiseration for
you; I can be a little happy but not let in the BIG joy that I feel pressing
against me so often. I found the prison of serving a god I don’t believe
in—that of life as suffering, we must be afraid of bad things. And I found the
betrayal of self and arrogance of refusing the aliveness that life is thrusting
toward me. Now there’s is a sad thing. Still I couldn't let go of the idea that
being happy when others are sad is wrong. Being happy is selfish and makes you
a bad person, the ego roared.
That crazy thought did it for me. I saw that commiserating
is not love! Supporting others sadness when I don’t agree is dishonest,
honoring false gods and unhelpful. And, it’s lying—expressing from a place I am
not. I need to own that.
Then a wave of huge energy exploded inside. It said, “I will
not refuse aliveness”—whatever joy, beauty insight, pleasure life offers me
will be taken, with both hands and with gratitude. Sure there is not only joy
and happiness, but it is such a gift, such a true thing when it comes, it must
be acknowledged and taken as a sacred thing.
So. Art from
happiness? Maybe not always bright colors, maybe contrast and exploring dark
corners when they call. But the joy of making art, teaching people to see what
I see, letting the Tao flow through and being here to watch and co-create is
truly joyful. I’ll leave you with a great quote from the Tao of watercolor, by
Jeanne Carbonetti:
When I was a child I was whole. I simply painted, and I was
glad. Later, as life grew more complex, I split into many selves and I learned
to judge them all. Some parts were good, others bad. Some were to be loved,
others to be rejected. I judged my paintings, too, and myself as a painter. I
became something else.
But later still, in the quiet of a time when I was too tired to
judge and weak enough to listen, I painted again, and then I saw that the
mistakes, failed efforts, and the bad paintings had brought me to a new
place--a break-though painting of my first major series. My life changed that
day, and I became myself again.
For painting had taught me the Tao.
